i arrive at the show with plenty of time, but i’m exhausted and not in the mood to play at all. just one of those kinda nights. i’m playing with a few new pedals and my sound is not dialed at all. just couldn’t feel my tone. about 3 songs in, i break a string and go to the backup guitar. i quickly realize that i hadn’t really spent any time with this guitar through the new pedals on the board. now, my tone sucks, i’m frazzled and am just focusing on getting through til set break.

the string gets replaced during set break….i’m back in business. first singer for set #2 walks up on stage. punk kinda guy. spiky hair, lots of chains…he’s loaded. as i’m flipping the song charts to his song, i feel a hand reach over my shoulder and land on my…ummm…”pec”. he then yells “this guy has the best T!TS in portland” over the microphone. ….ok…didn’t expect that… now, i’m not the skinniest guy in the world, but i’ve lost 30 lbs in the past several months. i wanted to somehow inform the audience of this…or just do SOMETHING to give myself a remote shred of dignity. but there is nothing (and i mean NOTHING) you can say or do to recover after a statement like that. i wanted to say “uhhn uhh!” and point to the waitress (who isn’t shy about telling people that her other job requires FAR less clothing than what she was currently wearing) who clearly has far better ones than i do. i also considered just running off the stage while wiping the tears from my eyes, but didn’t feel like adding “may jump off stage while crying like a little schoolgirl” to my musical resume. anyway, during the song, he stumbles back onto my pedalboard, knocks my ebow and slide onto the middle of the stage. he’s jumping all around at this point. i kick the ebow out of the way, but my glass slide didn’t make it. whatever.

during a rousing rendition of folsom prison blues, my pedalboard blows up. an incredibly loud, terrible sound is screaching from my rig. bypass the board, straight into amp…song done. before the next tune i grab an all-around distortion pedal off the board and plug back in. at this point, i couldn’t care less if the entire place started on fire. i just wanted off the stage.

we start playing “hit me with your best shot” by pat benetar. after the solo, i look out to see a hand giving me the universal “you rock” devil horn thing… i move slightly to the left to get out of a glaring yellow light. follow the hand down the arm to see a shorter, tubby-ish guy with a mustache and longer, stringy curly-ish hair.

yes, that’s right…..RON F’N JEREMY was giving me the you rock sign while playing “hit me with your best shot”.

if it’s too early for any of you…i’ll repeat it: RON JEREMY…was telling me that i rocked while playing the song “hit me with your best SHOT”…

i went to bed at 2:52 this morning with a sense of musical arrival like i had never known.

According to Ron’s MySpace, he’s going to be at the Castle Mega Store at 6pm tonight. I may just have to go get my picture taken with him.